Here it is.... Our Area Festival Finals write up! 🦄
My dressage journey this year has been so up and down. We finished 4th at the Senior Inter Regionals and then 2nd in the Sheepgate Tack and Togs Championships and have had some other super results too, but then it went downhill.
At that moment I vowed I was giving up BD, because it was too bitchy and selective. I wrote a post on here about taking some time out of dressage and maybe one day the love for it would come back.
Now my partner isn’t horsey but he said he would support my decision, provided I thought about it and meant it, and it was what I truly wanted. When I couldn’t say I truly wanted to give BD up, but I needed help to overcome this fear of riding infront of people, he suggested finding a new instructor away from home. And that’s when he said about my now current instructor. He’d met her once for a photo shoot I was involved in last year and said how I just seemed to get on with her, so maybe I should try her..
And that’s when I sent an SOS text to Vicki, kind of detailing everything I felt, everything id experienced lately and no pressure but I was leaving it up to her to help find my mojo again!
Cor blimey she did - she installed this confidence in me that I’d struggled to find. When I told her I felt worthless riding in the warm up arena and how I hated riding down that centreline she said things like “trot down that centreline like you’re about to win the class. Ride at the judge the most positive you’ve ever ridden”. And not once has she ever laughed that I have these silly dreams with my little Irish pony. She always finds the positives and if I say something negative, turns it into a “....yes but look how different that was” or “... look how much more effective that became” and things like that.
I was determined to go into the warm up on Saturday feeling like I had every right to be there. I’m usually THAT rider that stops for everyone, apologises for getting in the way, despite them being the ones walking on the track or not going left to left. I was determined to stop that.
*
So Friday afternoon I took a half day from work and Ziggy and I trucked to Manor Grange. I wanted to bed him down then school him for 20 mins in the warm up arena. The hectic warm up arena last year had really got him (more likely me) in a muddle and I wanted a positive session in there.
He was ace; I just worked on moving him around, leg yielding as Vicki had said and having a play without asking too much as I don’t like to on the eve of a competition.
Two girls started to watch me ride and focused on my every move. My anxiety was screaming “they’re looking at you” and my new found confidence shouted even louder “they’re just admiring Ziggy!”. Of course it helped he was going like a lamb. I love this pony!
I did 25 mins and then put him away and went off to set my own bed up. My air bed in the back of the lorry. Ugh. Meanwhile zig is tucked up, in a £60 a night stable eating haylage. How the other half live eh?! 🙄
I looked at all the big pop out lorries next to me with their misty windows from their lovely warm heating and created this idea in my head that I was DEFINITELY adopted and my real parents were some millionaires that could’ve provided me with all this.... haha! I joke!
Anyway, then I had a quick couple of drinks with two ladies I befriended who were just normal like me! They had dreams, but not the typical dressage horse we see so much of. We sat dreaming of being in the big horse boxes with heating as we sat outside our little van conversions with our horses thermatexes over our legs! Then it was bed time.
In the grand scheme of things I didn’t sleep too badly but all night my head was going over and over the test and the usual “do I know it...” “yes I do...” rubbish! God I could talk myself in and out of some rubbish I reckon!
Soon enough however my alarm was rattling off and it was 6am. Time to get up! I was the only daft enough person to be awake at that crazy time, but I wanted to muck out and give myself plenty of time to get ready. I was on at 9:49 and the arena walk ended at 8:45, so not much time between the two.
The arena walk went fine. Zig went in a little apprehensive of the boards and the judges boxes near the cafe, so it really made me feel more positive that I’d done the arena walk. I think for now he needs them. I spent longer than I’d anticipated doing it but wanted to be sure he was relaxed in there, not like last year. Eventually he settled into the walk and so I hopped off, and went to watch the first person in.
I watched one test then got back on myself. I kept telling myself and Zig to stay confident, stay positive that I deserved a place in that warm up arena and between the boards. Kate is always trying to make me feel better about the worries I have anxiety wise with how much I deserve to be there and don’t. She’s great and always spends time chatting to me about being open and honest in how I feel, but at the same time telling me to be positive and confident in that I CAN do it. It’s not that I’m scared, it’s that I feel I could do better all the time, and I’m always questioning my worth.
I find i sit up more in sitting trot and so to begin the trotting in warming up, I did sitting trot. I was so adamant I didn’t want to do my usual curl up, lean forward and go into myself trick. I had every right to be there....keep thinking it.
Zig felt so lovely to warm up. I know people say you should always find more to work on, but there wasn’t a thing I’d have changed about his warm up. He was loving every second and he was giving me his all - and in then I was smiling like a Cheshire Cat and loving it too.
Soon enough it was my turn and Vicki came to find me. “Ride the test positively and like you mean it” she said, and off I went.
Going down that centreline I rode smack bang to the judges and positively. I remember someone saying ride to them like you’re going to run them over and that’s what I did.
I made a conscious to sit up, ride the corners, keep the inside bend, but don’t let him fall on that right shoulder. Slight shoulder fore where I could feel him curling too much and keep his neck up, and keep the impulsion.
The first canter to trot transition was a bit Blah in my eyes, I wanted it a little more fluid but such a minor thing in the grand scheme of things. Everything else felt nice. The walk was such an improvement in what I’d had been weeks before! We got a free walk, and I didn’t throw it away.
The stretchy trot was nice at the end too and he didn’t rush or dive onto the forehand. Then up the centreline, ride for my life, massive smile because I’d blooming done it, sitting trot and then halt with a positive square halt.
I welled up a bit actually, because for the first time in what seemed like forever I came out and thought “actually I did what I could, I enjoyed that and I want to do it again”. I hadn’t felt like that in BD in a LONG time! In fact this was my first BD in a long time!
Vicki was clapping and said what did I think. I turned it on her and said “What did YOU think” - apparently I shouldn’t answer a question with a question but she said what I’d felt - the first canter trot transition was a little blah and she felt my canter could’ve been more forward but aside from that she was pleased.
And that’s kind of what mattered. Someone that I’d gone to whilst at my lowest with my self esteem in the ring had thought I’d ridden the test. Not sat there, not curled into myself and became a shy lamb on top of a horse, but RIDDEN!
I wanted to cry there and then but quick slap on the wrist to myself and got on with it. Put zig away, literally hugged the blooming pony until he nuzzled me off because haylage was far more important than mum hugs!
Got stuff sorted and didn’t want to check scores! But OMG - 68.12, putting us into 4th. Unfortunately only the top 4 qualified so I decided I was bound to be knocked down as I was only the 7th out of 28 to go in. People were bound to knock me out of the qualifying spot.
I sat by that score board all blooming day, and if I didn’t I was refreshing my phone. It was agonising! Waiting for the last couple of results were horrific!
Then I saw there was a withdrawal, and it dawned on me that would mean only the top 3 would qualify. So even though I finished 4th, I’d narrowly missed out on my ticket. I walked back to the box, sat alone for 20 mins, had a cry that I’d been so close - and decided I’d keep fingers crossed for a wild card!
Prize giving. Didn’t feel like celebrating but I’d gotten talking to someone who had finished 2nd and was happy for them so stayed upbeat and told him I would hope for a wildcard. Hugged zig some more, cried some more about how I just always seem to be unfortunate and then cried because despite it all I was 4th in a huge class and I was proud of zig. Basically there was a lot of crying!
Anyway, prize giving.....
They went into reverse order, got to me and Jo read my name out and then as I got to her she shouted “This is your important envelope Siân!” - to which I replied “I haven’t qualified jo!” And she did the tut look she always gives me when I’m negative and said “YES YOU DID SIÂN!!” and literally at THAT very moment I realised I’d achieved my dream.
I WAS GOING TO HARTPURY!!!!!
Stood at the podium like a Cheshire Cat, beaming, welling up, not knowing whether to laugh, cry, jump and hug someone or curl into a corner and cry.
Managed to smile for photos between blurry eyes, walked to Zigs stable and found the stable manager Caroline at the stable. She said “how did you do?” And literally at that moment I fell onto her sobbing, she hugged me and I explained between sobs and snot I’d qualified. God I’m so embarrassing at times!
It felt physically and mentally - I don’t know. Was I exhausted? I’d had this dream. I’d worked so bloody hard, I’d shuffled work and lessons, done god knows how many 18 hour days to fit it all in..... I cried because it happened, I cried because I could finally relax a little, I cried because I was experiencing something I’d wanted for so long, but then I cried because grandad wasn’t here to see it, and then I cried because 4 years ago Ziggy didn’t trust me enough to barely come near me. Now we were going to Hartpury!!! We were going to the competition that Charlotte and Carl ride at. Ahhhhhhh
😱
I didn’t let Zig for ages after that, I just stood with him, thanking him, telling him how much he’d made my dreams come true and how I’d never let him down. I SO wish grandad could’ve been there. I can’t tell you how much.
And here begins my road to Hartpury. It’s scary, it’s exciting - I want to go and enjoy it, but also I’ve realised through Vicki that I want to go and I want to go and be as competitive as I can! Why should I feel like I’m making numbers up? I have to stop with that thought!
We’ve a long winter ahead and I need to cut my lessons down to fortnightly now the winters here, but I’m so excited! And my first question to Vicki was “So what do we work on next?!”.
I know I sound like a stuck record, but this is a dream come true for me, and some may be thinking Jesus Siân it’s not that big of deal, but to me it is - there’s just so much emotionally I’ve dealt with, or at least tried to, to get there. And Ziggy started out 4 years ago, when I finally was able to ride him with 56% in an intro test. NEVER did I imagine he’d get 68.12% in a PetPlan final to get us a ticket to Nationals.
Ziggy - if you could read this you’d see how proud you’ve made me.
Grandad - if you could read this, you’d see how much I wish you were here to share this. It’s all you ever wanted me to achieve, and when it’s time for Hartpury you’re coming with me in my locket of you, and I’m taking the picture of you in my glove again.
Vicki - You gave me the confidence to ride between the boards and helped figure so much out, THANK YOU!
Kate - Your angry face texts when I say i can’t are appreciated. THANK YOU!
Fiona - You told me he’d be special. THANK YOU!
Here’s to counting down to April!
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