If we get hurt, our natural reaction is to fear that happening again. The niggling feeling in the back of your mind doesn't go away easily, the walls you build up in seconds take days, weeks, if not months to be knocked down. It isn't easy and anyone that ever pretends it is, is lying. Trust me.
But sometimes, things happen for a reason - I truly and honestly believe that. You might sit there at the time of being hurt, feeling distraught and think this is life forever; this is the way it's going to be. Trust me, it isn't. A few weeks ago I wrote a post called "25 things I wish I could tell my teenage self" and honestly, if I could go back to being 18, I'd tell myself losing loved ones, falling out with friends, losing partners, getting through everyday life when you feel like you're carrying the world on your shoulders, being in a job you aren't enjoying....it all hurts like hell, it's all confusing and there shouldn't be any shame in admitting that. Never.
Being on those plans on that 24 hour journey, all I wanted to do was write. I wanted to put into words how I was feeling, how things over the last 7 months had really gotten to me and how I felt like it was time to finally let it all go.**
When I did finally get an hour to do nothing and relax, it felt nice to chat to someone that didn't mock how I was feeling or judge what I was saying. He just sat and listened, nodded in the right places and then offered his piece of advice.
Getting ready for the rodeo that evening I finally felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders and was excited for the evening with everyone. Anyone that doesn't enjoy a rodeo in my eyes is absolutely bonkers; the atmosphere is always amazing and you can guarantee a real buzz around the grandstands. Honestly, if you get the opportunity to visit one....go!!
For the first time in what felt like forever I put on some make up that evening, curled my hair and basically spruced myself up with a dress and my cowboy boots. It felt like a far cry from the dirty, exhausted, make up free me I'd spent the last few days being.Before the rodeo, we headed for some dinner at a local cowboy bar in Meteetse which are ever so friendly. They are the most welcoming bunch in there and by the end had us lining up at the bar posing for photos and asking if we wanted to make our own shots and cocktails, whilst making shots for us and telling us to down them! We had an absolute blast and took far too many pictures, but it was fantastic nonetheless!
Once we arrived at the rodeo, we quickly got to our seats and set ourselves down for the next couple of hours. Given the fantastic opportunity to watch bull riding, bronc riding, barrel racing and much more, I had the time of my life that evening cheering everyone on and enjoying the atmosphere. If there's one thing I'd love to try it would have to be bronc riding - I have absolutely no idea why as I completely get its dangerous, wild and not something someone like me would usually say, however I have always wanted to give it a go! Maybe one day....
As we sat watching the rodeo the sun began to set over the Wyoming mountains and Cody stadium, which made for some beautiful pictures. I couldn't help but sit there and for a few moments reflect on all that had happened and how peaceful it was to be out here.However, all too soon the rodeo was over and it was time to head into Cody and to my favourite place - the Silver Dollar Bar! I have some wonderful memories of time spent in that bar with good friends I'd made whilst on my last trip to Cody and was eager to revisit. With a Vodka and Lemonade, we all sat around the tables sharing our best bits from the rodeo and our plans for the up and coming weekend, before heading to the back of the bar to play some pool with local cowboys.
I ended up chatting to a local cowboy who happened to be the rodeo announcer as well, which was lovely! However, before long and too many Vodkas later, it was time to head back to the ranch!
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Take it from me readers, ALWAYS listen to a cowboy. Because they know. Don't ask me how they know, they just know....
Before long it was time to go and Tina and I took up our position at the back of the ride, ready for a steady march over to Cow Camp. As we climbed up mountains, negotiated our way on rocky terrain and tackled obstacles I sometimes had to close my eyes at I couldn't help but smile at the thought of getting a tan and how brown I was beginning to look! What I completely forgot and didn't even think of was the fact I had my sunglasses on......So, sure enough, roughly 4 hours into my ride, I noticed my left hand starting to swell and upon taking my sunglasses off I realised my lovely brown tan wasn't in fact brown but more a bright shade of red. And the worst news? We were still 4 hours from Cow Camp...
Needless to say I spent the next 4 hours rather quiet, feeling poorly and struggling with an ever-growing hand from the sunburn and rubbing factor 30 into every inch of me that was exposed every 20 odd minutes. By this point though the damage was done and I was going to get the most hideous tan lines anyone could imagine. Joy; just the sexy, American, glow I'd always wanted.....
By the time we reached Cow camp, I was in agony and Paul took great delight in telling me the words I didn't want to hear "I told you so" but thankfully allowed me to flop down on a chair for an hour in the shade upon realising I really wasn't making up how poorly I felt. I downed more water than ever over that hour and sat with my sunglasses on closing my eyes, trying to feel better.
An hour in the shade with some water definitely did the trick and we all had a nice dinner that had been prepared earlier. The group commented they'd never seen me eat so much as I did that night and despite feeling more than ready for bed it was soon time to set the tents up and gather some wood for the campfire we were going to have.I'll never, in a million years forget the moments we all experienced and shared that evening around the campfire, but most of all I'll never forget Cowboy Paul singing Country songs to us amidst the warm glow of the fire with the crackling of wood every few minutes. It was pure bliss, it was beautiful and its one of those moments that words just simply cannot describe.
I pulled up another chair, got in my sleeping bag and made my self comfortable so I was half lying down and half sitting up, but able to look up at the stars and quite honestly that's when it happened for me.
It's during those next few moments and hours staring up at the stars listening to the horses munching around us, snorting every once in a while, that I realised something had to change; I had to change. I'd spent the last 6-12 months unhappy from varying events. I'd let it rule my life, my happiness and my opportunity to meet someone else because a part of me always hoped that this wouldn't be permanent and things would be given another chance. I'd had the opportunity (in a roundabout way) to give something else a go, and because of the unhappiness following January, because of the ever impending question... "what if...?" I stopped myself from being truly happy.There were so many opportunities I'd passed, so many nights out with friends I'd declined because I couldn't be bothered and relationships with friends I'd let slip because they always asked that dreaded question and I hated answering it...
There and then I made sure that tomorrow would be a turning point and I'd stop worrying about the future, about the fact I'd made all these plans at 18 for where I would be at 25. The house I didn't have yet, the steady boyfriend, the dog, the career I wanted..... it was all superficial. It wasn't important, yet it took me flying half way around the world to realise that.
.... and, although you'll think i'm making it up because you just couldn't write it, or get anyone to believe you because they'd think you'd gone crazy; in the next moment I saw a shooting star, made my wish and fell to sleep knowing that wherever I was in the world, Granddad was near.
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