My post about struggling with Ziggy's spooking and the constant battle I was having with him gauged so much reaction that I received a couple of message - one of which was through my Facebook page. As it happens, there was someone living an almost parallel life to mine and Ziggy's when it came to our daily hurdles. The messages were all received with appreciation and it was so nice to know that sometimes when you feel at your most alone, you're really not.
Which is the thought behind this post, however hard it's going to be to write.
A short while ago, something in my life ended that I really thought had no problems. Without delving deeper into a topic that i'd rather not go into.... I was the happiest i'd been in a while and was enjoying splitting time between two places, meeting new people, experiencing new things and so on. But, things happen for a reason and here we are. Often, i've found that a lot of things don't make sense and someone wise told me that in a few years or maybe even months, it will make sense and the reason will become clear, but for now it won't and thats maybe okay.
Which, one night bought me to think of the quote "It was in her darkest hour, she set about to conquer her biggest fears" and it made me think of all that scared me, all that I avoided for a simpler life and all that I put off because I worried about the outcome.
So, one morning, a few weeks after I'd conquered the fear of driving my horsebox, I set about to go and compete for the first time solo. For years I'd relied on someone to drive me, the same person to read my tests and someone just to be there.
The sad fact is that, in life people come and go, people move on and the ones I'd always relied on to be there to read my tests, tell me if we looked good or help me with my bridle number had to now lead their own lives. It was time to let them go and allow them to find the happiness, that they deserved - I couldn't expect them to join me for the 6am starts and long days much longer.It was time to learn to do this alone.
I'd always relied on a caller for my tests, despite usually knowing them or being able to learn them within just a few minutes. Why? Because it was the safe option and no caller threw me right out of my comfort zone. I'd always liked having eyes on the ground when warming up and for no real reason really, simply just because.
When I set about my first solo day, I couldn't help but miss having a friend sat next to me to laugh with, or to ask help from. Warming up, I looked around and took in the scenes of others seeking help from partners, friends, instructors and so on.
The most poignant moment came to me just as I was finishing my test. As I rode down the centreline for the final time, halted at X and turned to exit the arena my automatic reaction was to look up and seek someone I knew in the crowd. Someone that would be waiting for us to exit the arena with a smile, to tell us the good and bad bits of our test. Looking under the peek of my hat, for that split second I looked and I searched the seating area for a friend or someone carrying my coat and waiting to share with me just how that test felt and say the two words that everyone seeks after a competition - "Well Done" - but it never came.In that same moment, I looked down and ahead and as I reached down to pat the one that had made all this possible I realised something. I realised that in that very moment when I'd felt most alone, I wasn't. Then within walking a few steps, I spotted a friend and later on another good friend called to see how I'd gotten on.
So, some days it may seem like it, but I guess we're never really going solo.
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Good, as usual. From the heart
ReplyDeleteGood, as usual. From the heart
ReplyDelete