The perplexed Aunty to be - week 3!

We're here already, week 3! The third and final week of antenatal classes and boy what an experience its been. If you missed week two, here's the link.

Aran and I decided in the interim of waiting for these antenatal classes we would get some experience dressing babies for our baby sitting duty and what better way than practicing on one of the teddy bears Terri-ann had been given as a gift. I think we're going to have this cool Aunty and Uncle stuff sorted.


So, week three was apparently going to teach us how to look after a baby. I've looked after several animals in my 26 years so I was adamant I was going to have this baby-sitting duty down.

Upon arriving the midwife told us we were going to play a bit of a game. Like all these heavily pregnant women looked up for a game....but anyway, never argue with a midwife.

With that, she produced a doll and told us she was going to hand it around the group and we had to guess how much it weighed because apparently it weighed the same as a normal, healthy newborn.

And guess who she bloody passed it to first? Yup, you've got it, ME! Why me?!

Everyones eyes were on me as the midwife literally threw this doll into my arms. I did want to shout 'hey be careful|' as she tossed it towards me, but I thought better of trying to win one over on this lady, she was strict.

"Oh my god this is blooming heavy!"

...is probably not the words I should've shouted; I mean someone in this room could well give birth to a baby this heavy, right?

Anyway, I made my guess at 9 lbs and tried to get on with the rest of the class, which apparently was going to start with breast feeding.

This was our signal to turn our heads to the DVD player, where we had to endure watching 8 full whole minutes of breast feeding.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for women breast feeding, but (here's where I get opinionated...) not once during that whole 8 minutes did the video give any advice to the women who didn't want to breast feed, not once did it mention what happens if you simply can't breast feed. No, it just spoke about how perfect breast feeding was and how babies latch on quite soon after giving birth. Yeah right, because every scenario is perfect?

When the DVD finished, I couldn't help but turn to Terri-ann and ask what happens if you didn't want to breast feed, or the perfect scenario didn't happen. We were baffled..

And with that, one poor, but exceedingly brave girl put her hand up and asked "what if I want to bottle feed?" and I was mortified to see everyone immediately turn to look at her like she'd just announced the world was ending, not asked a simple question that would suit her and her baby.

Anyway, enough of my ranting.. back to the fact I'm sat in a room full of people about to burst.

After we'd had our pep talk that breast is best *cough*, it was time to learn how to swaddle a baby and what sort of clothes to dress them in given the temperature. Apparently healthy, normal weight babies shouldn't wear hats inside. Which baffles me because every American TV drama I watch, the babies are all lined up in the hospital wearing wooly hats. If you don't believe me, check out season 8 of One Tree Hill. Fact.

Everyone looked quiet this week, like they were suddenly realising how soon the impending birth was and there was actually no backing out of it now. There were endless discussions on what weight people thought their own babies would be and whether they thought they would be early or late and what they'd look like...when suddenly...

"Excuse me, my girlfriends really not feeling very well" shouted one night stand boy.

Boy, she really didn't look very well either. Which made Terri-ann screech "Oh my god is she going into labour, oh my god is she going to be sick...Sian....whats happening?!"

and with that, we were told Good Luck and ushered out the room to go and get on with having these babies and learning to look after them.

I did feel like sticking my hand up and asking if she could just teach me how to swaddle, but given the look of the one night stand girl, I decided better of it and realised we were alone now, this was it....time to just wait for the birth!

Which didn't take long at all.....

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The perplexed Aunty to be - week 2!

Week two, gosh how were we at week two already?

So, where were we when we left off on week 1? Here's the link to catch up if you're wondering what the hell I'm talking about when I begin waffling on about swaddling and breast feeding...

Anyway, week 2 was apparently focusing on 'The Birth'. The way the midwife said those two words made me want to puke a little bit in my mouth. The Birth - because what goes in, must come out (somehow...!)

Everyone looked a little sheepish this week, as if there was an elephant in the room that we all didn't want to talk about. Apart from my sister. She just had to be the one that said it.

"So, can we have as much pain relief as we want, from the moment we want it? Right?" Well...someone had to ask the question didn't they?


Mr and Mrs Super Organised looked at one-another and agreed they weren't having any pain relief and were hoping to go as natural as possible. They all say that though, don't they?

So, from the off set we started talking about water births and how to prepare; which was all fine and dandy, it helps the pain, allows you to have immediate skin-on-skin with the baby and your partner can jump in if he wants. Terri-ann and I nodded and quite honestly I thought "okay, this doesn't sound too bad" UNTIL....

"Don't worry about bringing a sieve if you're giving birth here, we provide them unlike some hospitals!" said the midwife as cool as cucumber like she'd said something as simple as "oh its sunny outside!"

Hang on, woah, back up... what ever do you need one of those for during birth? THEN it dawned on me. Ewww, yuck!

So Terri-ann and I quickly wrote that one off....next...!

A natural birth, but with some forceps and a hoover-type-thing thrown in for good measures. I can't remember the proper name, but again, we wrote this idea off and I decided if I was ever in this predicament then I definitely would be screaming blue murder for a C-section and not any intervention down there. I definitely didn't want a "small cut" just to help the baby out. No freaking way.

"Can the husbands request an extra stitch for good measures?" Asked Marshal - well, at least he asked I guess....

Which, nicely led onto C-Sections. Terri-ann and I smiled at one another as this was the one she wanted and the one I was 100% backing up by the sounds of the rest.

C-Sections always sound like the best way if you can look past not being able to do much for 6-weeks afterwards or being left with a scar. But its the least painful and almost a breeze, correct?

Wrong.

Hearing this I must admit I was more than disgruntled. Everyone had always made C-Sections sounds like a walk in the park. The baby came out as easy as it went in apparently. Woah, not according to this midwife.

I don't know if the NHS paid her to sit for 2 hours on a Tuesday night and scare the living daylights out of the people of Nottingham, but oh my life, this is exactly what she was doing!

So, we quickly learnt that actually a C-Section is just about as gruesome as the rest and this giving birth lark sounded more and more like someones worst nightmare.

No one really had any questions this week. Oddly enough, as I sat and looked around the room all I saw was 4 rather pale looking women and a few equally as pale men. Me? I wanted to hide in my scarf, or run to the nearest nunnery and sign up.

Terri-ann was getting itchy, all she wanted to know was how much pain relief was legal when you're in any stage of labour and would she be given as much as she requested...because she's heard from someone that heard something from someone else that sometimes you're denied all the pain relief you want. I know, head bang against wall moment right now. The midwife shook her head at the "but I heard..." and swiftly cut Terri-ann off before she sent the other women running, too petrified to even comprehend getting this alien-like-thing out of them.

"You'll be given what you request, providing you're in the right stages of labour for whatever type of pain relief you're after." - Phew!

So it was all fine and dandy, until...

"Do you always poo when you're mid-push, because I heard this ALWAYS happens!"

Oh Terri-ann.

And that was that. Upon leaving we both decided getting this baby out clearly wasn't going to be as fun as it was getting it in!

Come back for Part 3 - Dealing with a newborn!

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The perplexed Aunty to be....

Last week a new temporary pattern started in my life that I never thought I'd have to endure, and what an eye-opener it was.

Sat at the kitchen table, working away, I was minding my own business when I received a text from my mum in a panic state that my almost-about-to-burst sister had no one to go to her first antenatal class with her and I knew exactly what was coming..

"You'll go with her to the antenatal class, won't you?" 

Were ten words I didn't expect to hear on my average Tuesday lunchtime, nor actually at any point in my life...

Don't get me wrong, I'm more than excited at the impending day I become an Aunty for the first time. I've been waiting pretty much the last several years for my only sister to finally make me an Aunty, and it's never blooming happened. In fact it's a miracle she finally decided to turn maternal now.

I've helped organise the baby shower, I've purchased over-priced bibs because they're from Etsy which makes them cuter than anything from your average supermarket, and I've agreed to babysit from time to time. Surely that constitutes as Aunty duties almost practically complete now until its 16? Which by that point the only duties I will be doing is more than likely picking up a ridiculously drunk teenager from a party and promising not to tell my sister. Right?

Wrong. I was going to the antenatal class and apparently in return I was getting a Nando's when the baby was born. Yay Chicken.

We had quite a fun time deciding on how best to introduce ourselves. It was a toss up between the lovers that had paid for a sperm donor, or the mum and daughter - and explain she just had me really early on in life.

In the end, we walked in and as heads turned, Terri-ann quickly announced she'd bought her sister along because her husband had refused to come as these sessions were (and I quote) "pointless" and "You'd soon learn to breathe throughout labour so whats the need for practice?". Ohhh you could hear the tuts ripple throughout the room. Especially from the couple that were so loved up I thought they were about to try and make baby number 2 right there and then.

Anyway. Mistake. At least we had soon quashed their thoughts of us being lovers.

The midwife then went into an explanation about how Danny wouldn't just be helping Terri-ann breathe throughout the contractions, but he'd be learning how best to give his wife what she needs through this life changing time. Barf. 

So, we started nicely and with some introductions. We learnt that the loved up and sickly couple had in fact planned exactly when their baby would be born so it would be the older one in school. There was a lady that didn't mention a partner at all and came alone. Very brave and I wanted her to come and work with us. Then there was the couple that reminded me of Marshall and Lily in How I Met Your Mother. She clearly wore the trousers and he had no chance. Last but not least, there was the couple that were sort of an item, she was about to drop, they didn't live together but they were looking to. Terri-ann and I nicknamed them the One Night Stand couple.

Then there was us! The sisters that had absolutely no freaking idea what to do when a baby was thrown in the room, let alone even look after one. That's why we are here though, right? Because according to this midwife, these three sessions would prepare us for the birth, give us an insight into birth and then give us all the tools and knowledge we needed to actually look after a baby.

Bring it on.

The next task included us being split up into groups to discuss questions we had for the midwife about anything that may be bothering us. I say "us", it wasn't bothering me, but Terri-ann was more than freaking out about having to push something the size of a rugby ball out...

We got paired with the ridiculously organised 'I-know-when-I-want-my-babys-birthday-to-be' couple who quickly told us they were that organised they had in fact already got three baby baths, but were only expecting one baby. Terri-ann looked at me and if by magic, Mr Super Organised could clearly tell Terri-ann had forgotten babies need baths and offered her one.. Boom!

Mr and Mrs Super Organised wanted to ask the first question and I was waiting for something that might educate me on how the freaking hell women cope during labour. But no. They wanted to know where they could park when it was time.... okay....

Next question. This is it I thought, a labour question. How wrong could I be?

Mr and Mrs Super Organised wanted to know if Mr Super Organised got free hospital food whilst his wife was in labour. Anyway I don't need to explain the rest of their questions. Blimey, they'd clearly been losing sleep over whether he would get a hotel room in the hospital or not.

It was left to Terri-ann to be the elephant in the room and ask about whether she could have a C-section, and would she get any pain relief, or could she just have some help during labour in the form of ANY pain relief going? She promised to take as much of it as possible. Mr and Mrs Super Organised were mortified; they want a natural birth.

Being the nominated writer out the group, I had to read out the questions and therefore I decided to read the ones I felt we all really needed to know, the ones that were most helpful and could ensure things were simple at all times during the labour. The pain relief questions. Men got these women in this situation, who cares if they don't get fed for 48 hours whilst their wives are screaming blue murder. Go to the vending machine!

Anyway, next up it was time for some detailed explanation and the dreaded box.

I knew what was coming and Terri-ann and I read each others minds by crossing our legs firmly shut. That's right, the midwife pulled out a pelvis and a doll... oh hell no...

Mr and Mrs Super Organised sat forward on their seats, Mrs No Partner looked around the room, Marshall and Lily lookalikes grabbed one another hands and Mr and Mrs One Night Stand just continued to look sheepish.

I don't know if I pulled a face, or winced but the midwife turned to me and said "Sian?" Oh hell no I thought. Do not use me as a Guinea-Pig.

"Do you have any children?"

Terri-ann and I burst out laughing, and I screeched no, only just stopping myself from saying who the hell would willingly go through labour...

"I thought not" she said.

Humph, what did she mean by that? I was going to ace being an Aunty. I could barely remember to look after myself at the best of times, but I could be responsible for a small child. Silly woman.

For the next ten minutes Terri-ann and I sat in complete disgust at the explanation of how exactly a baby prepares to come down the 'birth canal' and what your body does throughout this process. Until...

"Is this going to hurt?" asked Terri-ann...

A few sniggers later and a mumble from me that whoever I married had better prepare himself to pay for me to have a C-section, all attention turned to Mr Marshall and Lily lookalike.

"I have a question" he muttered

"Once the baby is born, can we keep the placenta so we can make it into tablets my wife can then take after the birth?"

WHAT THE......

Maybe exclaiming "why the hell would you do that?" wasn't really politically correct of Terri-ann and I, but still... WHAT? WHY? JUST NO.

Even the midwife looked taken a back now. Ha, someone managed to stump her. Go Marshal!

Turns out Mr Marshall and Lily's friend makes these tablets and is giving it them as a gift once the baby is born. What happened to nice baby outfits, cute shoes, bibs, nappies...or even other essentials? Why does their friend feel the need to turn their placenta into tablets to say 'congratulations, good luck with the sleepless nights and endless brown nappies'?

Really stunned now, I sat back in my chair and just accepted there was people out there that enjoyed this thing. If only the fairy-tales I heard as a kid that birds deliver babies when you want one were true.

And as if by magic, the session was over.

"Next week we'll be going through all the different types of births, from natural, to water births, to C-sections! Following that we'll be going through looking after your baby and tools such as swaddling..."

Rubbing salt in the wounds Terri-ann completely forgot you have to pay for hospital car parks and so it was left for me to find £5 change in my car and get us out of there as quick as possible. Maybe I should ask where I can park for these sessions next week?

Oh hell, Terri-ann if you're reading this, you owe me more than one Nando's for this, but hey, bring on swaddling....!

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