A letter to my teenage self...

A few months ago I wrote a blog post that detailed 25 things, I wish I could tell my teenage self which gained more views (link here) than I ever could’ve imagined, and after reading something similar to what I’m about to write, it inspired me to write my own.

Just two months ago I turned 26 and I’ll always remember being 18 and imagining what my life would be like at 26. I had visions it would be perfect, I had hopes I’d be married to the man of my dreams, I had ambitions I’d be in the job I wanted to be and often I’d imagine my future.

I’m always finding myself giving relationship advice to my younger friends, helping them decide what to do with work, or patting them on the back when they’ve just had a painful experience. So I thought the other day, what advice would I give my 18-year-old self. What did I want someone to sit down and say to me at that age? So, here it is.

A letter to my 18-year-old self.

“You’ve just moved to university and gotten through two years you hated, at a sixth-form you hated and being away from friends you love. At the beginning of Year 12 you didn’t know if you could endure two years of that, but you kept your eye on the end prize and that was going to a university you fell in love with the first time you looked round, and following a career path you’d dreamed of for the last four years.

That’s the thing about you, even when life knocks you down, you pick yourself back up, dust yourself off and carry on. Your determination is a strength of yours; if you want something you’ll always fight for it. Remember this in later life, because sometimes you need determination and often you need to be willing to fight for what you believe in.

So far, University is everything you had imagined. You’ve only been there a couple of months, but already you’ve got your sights set firmly on being the Chair of the Equestrian Team. I don’t want to ruin the surprise but after a few more months you achieve that dream and together with some friends you have the best couple of years competing for the university in the BUCS competitions. For the first time in several years the team win Varsity and you’re the proudest chair around.

During the next few years there, you make the bestest of friends and you make huge life changes. Your thoughts on relationships stems from here, but don’t let it ruin your perspective of men – they aren’t all the same and you’ll need to remember this again when you’re 26.

You make friends that break your heart when they move back home to Paris and you meet people that influence your life forever. Your endless stalking of Clare Balding on twitter pays off as she visits the university and you finally get the interview you want with her for your dissertation. Keep badgering her on twitter by the way, she’ll reply and refer to you in her interview as her “twitter stalker”. In later years this becomes your claim to fame.

I guess I’d better let you know; you do kiss that hottie from Tennis that puts you in a taxi home after a drunken night out – not that you ever remember it. Thank goodness he can and knew where you lived. You don’t kiss him when you think you will though, this is for later in life and you end up as friends. All those months at university spent thinking you weren’t good enough for him. Don’t ever think you aren’t good enough for anyone again.

Fast forward some more time, you go on to make some amazing memories with your best friends. Two of which you’ll keep in touch with and will always be there through thick and thin when you need them, even when you’re all 26 and old. This shows you who your friends are and aren’t. Friendships are important and even when you’re busy, always keep in touch with them.

Despite when you start your dissertation it feels like you’ll never graduate… I hate to spoil the surprise but you do and you do it with such pride and joy. You spend the day surrounded by those that you love but despite there being several thousand people there, the room feels empty because one person is missing. We both know you lost him when you were 14, but we both also know he’s never far.

You go on to say your graduation was the best day of your life, and up to now it is. But be prepared to let other important days overtake this – you never know what the future holds.

Later on you go on to have a couple of jobs, some terrible and some good. You endure 6 months with a boss that irritates the arse off you, but that’s life. You soon learn that jobs come and go, and if you’re not happy, you can move on.

As we move closer to the middle of your 20’s you’re going to experience more love and loss than you think you can take or your heart can handle. Your childhood pet Sweep passes away, so peacefully in your arms as you spent 48 hours trying all you could to save him. You scream at the vet to help, you pleaded with her to do something, to make him better and allow him to come home with you. But deep down you were well aware he was 18 and there was nothing that could be done. You kissed his fluffy head and wet nose as you sobbed into his fur that you’re going to miss him but its turn to go and visit grandad. You promise him you’ll take care of Mamma for him until it’s his turn to.

You experience love and loss in a different form soon after as you embark on a journey to South-Africa that completely changes your perspective on things. You’ve been having certain thoughts for a while, and whilst there you decided changes need to be made and travelling is where you want to be. You have a need, a want, a desire to travel and you must ensure you do this. Trust me when I tell you, it’ll be the best experience of your life and you won’t regret it.

This love and loss rocks your whole world, but if anything it teaches you so many lessons; ones that you never realised you needed to learn. Right now you feel like you don’t need to grow stronger, but throughout the next months you do. You grow stronger than you’re aware of. You become independent, you do things you once thought were beyond crazy. Suddenly you feel alive, the most alive you’ve felt in so many years. Letting go of the past is hard, but trust me when I say this – everything is going to be okay and moving on is okay.

At this stage I can’t promise if you’ll be as loved as you were, but this is the fun part right? It’s something neither of us know, and it’s a journey that’s yet to be embarked on.

Always remember, life is one big journey and we’re living it.

Over the years you’ll experience frustrations with the horses, with competing and juggling adult life and competing. In the beginning you get it all wrong. You want to be competing 24/7, you strive to be the best, you want to get those scores. After a couple of months, you realise the balance between this is wrong, you’ve been wrong. You realise competing isn’t everything, but spending time with loved ones and creating relationships is equally as important.

You toy with the idea of travelling. Don’t listen when everybody tells you not to do it or tries to guilt trip you into not going. I’ll spoil the surprise a little and tell you that you end up going to America for 6 weeks but I won’t tell you how you end up there. It’s bizarre but it makes you feel the proudest person on the planet. You have the most amazing time there. You make friendships that won’t budge. You end up drunk in a cowboy bar, being taught how to dance by cowboys and you cross of a number on your bucket list that you want to kiss a cowboy. You laugh, squeal, giggle and you forget all your worries back home. This is another time that you feel truly alive. You feel like you’re actually living the life you wanted to. You’re free and suddenly you feel ready for anything life throws at you. Please never forget this feeling, because when you get home life throws you some curveballs for the next 18 months. Never forget how you felt, dancing in Daisy Dukes, in your cowboy boots with your friend Kathrin. Never forget the taste of those vodka shots you threw back in delight. However, always remember the headache the next day.

When you come home, life becomes a little tougher. In no time at all you fall for the wrong person. The person that makes endless promises, that hurts you more than you ever thought possible. You spend days in bed crying, sobbing that it’s not fair. You don’t want to move; you ask why this is happening to you and you cry for your mum once more. Your confidence reaches rock bottom, you tell yourself you were never good enough, you weren’t pretty enough, your job wasn’t good enough. I won’t go into all that happens because I want this letter to reiterate all you should be thankful for. BUT, please. Never believe you aren’t good enough. Y

Over the years you make mistakes, but that’s part of life. We all make mistakes. You kiss people on a drunken night out with friends but you laugh about it the next day. Some are good kissers, some not so good. But this doesn’t define you. At 25 you realise this is silly.

Right at the end of 25 you lose someone you never thought you would. You thought she’d be here forever and you couldn’t ever imagine life without her. You sit by her bedside for 10 days, not even talking much, just watching her take strained breaths. You listen to the hushed conversations between nurses and careers and you watch as they shake their heads and take notes. After a few days you stand up and you tell them you’re not a child anymore and beg for honesty. You ask if she’s slowly going and you’re given a nod in reply. As a tear falls down your cheek, you simply sit back down and will that your grandad is there to meet her. And you know he will be. You don’t sleep for the next 10 days, you wait for that phone call, but each time you think it’s about to arrive it doesn’t. You tell her how much you love her and how you promise her you’ll do her proud in all that you do.

It’s at this moment you realise things have to change. Your whole perspective on life changes and it makes you wake up and realise what you want.

You pass on the night out New Years Eve with friends because you can’t bear to party when your best friend is slipping away. You’re in bed by 10pm and you wake up to hear the fireworks and squeals of others celebrating a new year. You don’t feel like celebrating but you’re determined to make this year better. I hate to break it to you but the first couple of months don’t go so well, but it’ll all work out, I’m sure of that.

Within the first few days of the New Year you get poorly too and just as you’ve stopped being sick your phone rings in the early hours. You know what it’s to say, and you jump out of bed on a cold January morning to race to get to Nottingham before it’s too late.

I hate to tell you this, but you don’t make it. You don’t make it by a mere 20 minutes. But do you know why you don’t make it? Because despite you needing to be somewhere, you see a young girl stuck on the side of the road with her car and you stop to help her. You’re not selfish and you need to remember this. But please, sometimes put yourself first. You can’t help everyone.

A few days after your 26^th you bury your grandma and you think the world has come to an end. You’re not allowed to do a reading at her funeral, but it’s okay because you slowly realise who is important to you and who isn’t.

You spend your years being entirely honest and probably too honest occasionally, but never let this falter. But please don’t let this stop you saying what you feel or what you’re thinking. It’s not a bad thing. It’s at this point you realise not all men are the same and it’s about time you opened your heart to allow to someone in rather than painting them all with the same brush.

The world is a scary place. It’s big and you never know what’s around the corner.

Although going through all this sounds like a scary experience, please embrace it. Embrace the love, embrace the happiness and pull yourself together when the days are slightly dark. People keep telling you to write more, and you should. Your writing will take you places. There’s a cheeky hint for how you end up in America.

Now, before I go…. Go and enjoy your teenage years and early 20’s. You realise soon that life is too short not to embrace opportunities and to live with no regrets. Just to give you a heads up, your motto soon becomes something along the lines of live each day with no regrets, say what’s on your mind, tell someone when you’re thinking of them and be open and honest – always. If you want to pick up your phone and send a message - what's to lose?

Look forward to what’s to come, but don’t dwell on what’s happening today or what didn’t happen 

yesterday.

Most of all – be true to yourself.

Lots of love, teenage Sian x " 

SHARE: