A few months ago I wrote a blog post that detailed 25
things, I wish I could tell my teenage self which gained more views (link here) than I ever
could’ve imagined, and after reading something similar to what I’m about to
write, it inspired me to write my own.
Just two months ago I turned 26 and I’ll always remember
being 18 and imagining what my life would be like at 26. I had visions it would
be perfect, I had hopes I’d be married to the man of my dreams, I had ambitions
I’d be in the job I wanted to be and often I’d imagine my future.
I’m always finding myself giving relationship advice to my
younger friends, helping them decide what to do with work, or patting them on
the back when they’ve just had a painful experience. So I thought the other
day, what advice would I give my 18-year-old self. What did I want someone to
sit down and say to me at that age? So, here it is.
A letter to my 18-year-old self.
“You’ve just moved to university and gotten through two
years you hated, at a sixth-form you hated and being away from friends you love.
At the beginning of Year 12 you didn’t know if you could endure two years of
that, but you kept your eye on the end prize and that was going to a university
you fell in love with the first time you looked round, and following a career
path you’d dreamed of for the last four years.
That’s the thing about you, even when life knocks you down,
you pick yourself back up, dust yourself off and carry on. Your determination
is a strength of yours; if you want something you’ll always fight for it.
Remember this in later life, because sometimes you need determination and often
you need to be willing to fight for what you believe in.
So far, University is everything you had imagined. You’ve
only been there a couple of months, but already you’ve got your sights set
firmly on being the Chair of the Equestrian Team. I don’t want to ruin the
surprise but after a few more months you achieve that dream and together with
some friends you have the best couple of years competing for the university in
the BUCS competitions. For the first time in several years the team win Varsity
and you’re the proudest chair around.
During the next few years there, you make the bestest of
friends and you make huge life changes. Your thoughts on
relationships stems from here, but don’t let it ruin your perspective of men –
they aren’t all the same and you’ll need to remember this again when you’re 26.
You make friends that break your heart when they move back
home to Paris and you meet people that influence your life forever. Your endless
stalking of Clare Balding on twitter pays off as she visits the university and
you finally get the interview you want with her for your dissertation. Keep
badgering her on twitter by the way, she’ll reply and refer to you in her
interview as her “twitter stalker”. In later years this becomes your claim to
fame.
I guess I’d better let you know; you do kiss that hottie
from Tennis that puts you in a taxi home after a drunken night out – not that
you ever remember it. Thank goodness he can and knew where you lived. You don’t
kiss him when you think you will though, this is for later in life and you end up as friends. All those
months at university spent thinking you weren’t good enough for him. Don’t ever
think you aren’t good enough for anyone again.
Fast forward some more time, you go on to make some amazing
memories with your best friends. Two of which you’ll keep in touch with and
will always be there through thick and thin when you need them, even when you’re
all 26 and old. This shows you who your friends are and aren’t. Friendships are
important and even when you’re busy, always keep in touch with them.
Despite when you start your dissertation it feels like you’ll
never graduate… I hate to spoil the surprise but you do and you do it with such
pride and joy. You spend the day surrounded by those that you love but despite
there being several thousand people there, the room feels empty because one
person is missing. We both know you lost him when you were 14, but we both also
know he’s never far.
You go on to say your graduation was the best day of your
life, and up to now it is. But be prepared to let other important days overtake
this – you never know what the future holds.
Later on you go on to have a couple of jobs, some terrible and
some good. You endure 6 months with a boss that irritates the arse off you, but
that’s life. You soon learn that jobs come and go, and if you’re not happy, you
can move on.
As we move closer to the middle of your 20’s you’re going to
experience more love and loss than you think you can take or your heart can
handle. Your childhood pet Sweep passes away, so peacefully in your arms as you
spent 48 hours trying all you could to save him. You scream at the vet to help,
you pleaded with her to do something, to make him better and allow him to come
home with you. But deep down you were well aware he was 18 and there was
nothing that could be done. You kissed his fluffy head and wet nose as you
sobbed into his fur that you’re going to miss him but its turn to go and visit
grandad. You promise him you’ll take care of Mamma for him until it’s his turn
to.
You experience love and loss in a different form soon after
as you embark on a journey to South-Africa that completely changes your
perspective on things. You’ve been having certain thoughts for a while, and
whilst there you decided changes need to be made and travelling is where you
want to be. You have a need, a want, a desire to travel and you must ensure you
do this. Trust me when I tell you, it’ll be the best experience of your life
and you won’t regret it.
This love and loss rocks your whole world, but if anything
it teaches you so many lessons; ones that you never realised you needed to
learn. Right now you feel like you don’t need to grow stronger, but throughout
the next months you do. You grow stronger than you’re aware of. You become
independent, you do things you once thought were beyond crazy. Suddenly you
feel alive, the most alive you’ve felt in so many years. Letting go of the past
is hard, but trust me when I say this – everything is going to be okay and
moving on is okay.
At this stage I can’t promise if you’ll be as loved as you
were, but this is the fun part right? It’s something neither of us know, and it’s
a journey that’s yet to be embarked on.
Always remember, life is one big journey and we’re living
it.
Over the years you’ll experience frustrations with the
horses, with competing and juggling adult life and competing. In the beginning you
get it all wrong. You want to be competing 24/7, you strive to be the best, you
want to get those scores. After a couple of months, you realise the balance
between this is wrong, you’ve been wrong. You realise competing isn’t
everything, but spending time with loved ones and creating relationships is
equally as important.
You toy with the idea of travelling. Don’t listen when
everybody tells you not to do it or tries to guilt trip you into not going. I’ll
spoil the surprise a little and tell you that you end up going to America for 6
weeks but I won’t tell you how you end up there. It’s bizarre but it makes you
feel the proudest person on the planet. You have the most amazing time there.
You make friendships that won’t budge. You end up drunk in a cowboy bar, being
taught how to dance by cowboys and you cross of a number on your bucket list
that you want to kiss a cowboy. You laugh, squeal, giggle and you forget all
your worries back home. This is another time that you feel truly alive. You
feel like you’re actually living the life you wanted to. You’re free and
suddenly you feel ready for anything life throws at you. Please never forget
this feeling, because when you get home life throws you some curveballs for the
next 18 months. Never forget how you felt, dancing in Daisy Dukes, in your
cowboy boots with your friend Kathrin. Never forget the taste of those vodka
shots you threw back in delight. However, always remember the headache the next
day.
When you come home, life becomes a little tougher. In no
time at all you fall for the wrong person. The person that makes endless
promises, that hurts you more than you ever thought possible. You spend days in
bed crying, sobbing that it’s not fair. You don’t want to move; you ask why
this is happening to you and you cry for your mum once more. Your confidence reaches
rock bottom, you tell yourself you were never good enough, you weren’t pretty
enough, your job wasn’t good enough. I won’t go into all that happens because I
want this letter to reiterate all you should be thankful for. BUT, please.
Never believe you aren’t good enough. Y
Over the years you make mistakes, but that’s part of life.
We all make mistakes. You kiss people on a drunken night out with friends but
you laugh about it the next day. Some are good kissers, some not so good. But
this doesn’t define you. At 25 you realise this is silly.
Right at the end of 25 you lose someone you never thought
you would. You thought she’d be here forever and you couldn’t ever imagine life
without her. You sit by her bedside for 10 days, not even talking much, just
watching her take strained breaths. You listen to the hushed conversations
between nurses and careers and you watch as they shake their heads and take
notes. After a few days you stand up and you tell them you’re not a child
anymore and beg for honesty. You ask if she’s slowly going and you’re given a
nod in reply. As a tear falls down your cheek, you simply sit back down and
will that your grandad is there to meet her. And you know he will be. You don’t
sleep for the next 10 days, you wait for that phone call, but each time you
think it’s about to arrive it doesn’t. You tell her how much you love her and
how you promise her you’ll do her proud in all that you do.
It’s at this moment you realise things have to change. Your
whole perspective on life changes and it makes you wake up and realise what you
want.
You pass on the night out New Years Eve with friends because
you can’t bear to party when your best friend is slipping away. You’re in bed
by 10pm and you wake up to hear the fireworks and squeals of others celebrating
a new year. You don’t feel like celebrating but you’re determined to make this
year better. I hate to break it to you but the first couple of months don’t go
so well, but it’ll all work out, I’m sure of that.
Within the first few days of the New Year you get poorly too
and just as you’ve stopped being sick your phone rings in the early hours. You
know what it’s to say, and you jump out of bed on a cold January morning to
race to get to Nottingham before it’s too late.
I hate to tell you this, but you don’t make it. You don’t make
it by a mere 20 minutes. But do you know why you don’t make it? Because despite
you needing to be somewhere, you see a young girl stuck on the side of the road
with her car and you stop to help her. You’re not selfish and you need to
remember this. But please, sometimes put yourself first. You can’t help
everyone.
A few days after your 26th you bury your grandma
and you think the world has come to an end. You’re not allowed to do a reading
at her funeral, but it’s okay because you slowly realise who is important to
you and who isn’t.
You spend your years being entirely honest and probably too
honest occasionally, but never let this falter. But please don’t let this stop you saying what
you feel or what you’re thinking. It’s not a bad thing. It’s at this point you
realise not all men are the same and it’s about time you opened your heart to
allow to someone in rather than painting them all with the same brush.
The world is a scary place. It’s big and you never know what’s
around the corner.
Although going through all this sounds like a scary
experience, please embrace it. Embrace the love, embrace the happiness and pull
yourself together when the days are slightly dark. People keep telling you to
write more, and you should. Your writing will take you places. There’s a cheeky
hint for how you end up in America.
Now, before I go…. Go and enjoy your teenage years and early
20’s. You realise soon that life is too short not to embrace opportunities and
to live with no regrets. Just to give you a heads up, your motto soon becomes something
along the lines of live each day with no regrets, say what’s on your mind, tell
someone when you’re thinking of them and be open and honest – always. If you
want to pick up your phone and send a message - what's to lose?
Look forward to what’s to come, but don’t dwell on what’s
happening today or what didn’t happen
yesterday.
Most of all – be true to yourself.
Lots of love, teenage Sian x "
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